we've got a kill.

at least it looks like it. not confirmed yet. will have to wait for a week or so.

...................

you live a life, beliveing that you have a hope beyond just a concept of it in your mind.
you fear that your chance isn´t coming. you belive that you can change that, that you can change your self.
that you will be shaped by your fate, into something meaningful... or atleast you hope.

so you are holding hope to others. you belive in people. for, as you realise, there is none else, that really requires that. you are giving second chances, third chances or more, hoping, that this time, luck will catch on. you love, for without it, there is no hope. you hope, because without it, you couldn't love.

one day, you may need others to have hope for you and to belive in you. and there are people like that, like you. for that is how we go on. together, shielded from painful realisation of futility of our doing and meaninglessness of our existence.
that is our meaning.

and it really is painful to observe someone outside this symbiosis. seeing him wandering about, clueless of its presence. you really are trying to take him in, to belive, that he might wake. you watch others, trying for him also, and slowly loosing their hopes for him.
and so it eventually becomes obvious to you, that he cant really give nor recieve. and, for he runs just on his hope for himself, he cant change.

it scares you so much, that such a thing can happen to a person, that you refuse to accept it as a reality. and you keep giving him a chance. searching for a smallest clues, that there is a hope for him and in him. and past time and shitload of sufering, you just cant go where he is going, for you would have to loose hope in love, and become like him. you might even try to do so, but if you are lucky, there is enaugh people beliveing in you, who´ll pull you back.
you have seen oblivion, you were touched by death. thats what is hurting inside you. but, hopefully, that´ll heal.

learn to love and let go.
(really! the sooner, the better! .. !!!)

________________________

a mimo to! nahlíženo selským pohledem prsaté selky v každém z nás, je to stejně pitomost, bez jakýkoli perspektivy. těžce nepraktický a dokonce i nebezpečný.
my máme rádi nebezpečí. adrenalin. ale riziko je jedna věc a hazard druhá.

teď mi to příde správně. sem unavenej, vybouřenej a s kapkou thc. bojím se že mě rozum přejde, stejně jako ke mě přišel. z nenadání, uprostřed věty.
snad ale s timhle konceptem reality nebudu takovej srab a pustím se a zůstanu puštěnej.