And so it came to pass...

I always want to start with that sentence .. always.
and not only here.
And so it came to pass.
I don't have it from the bible, I have it from Dia blo II, the moldy tower quest in the first act.
That game had been around a lot of my life. Often I listen to its soundtrack.
It's as if a soundtrack to my soul's motions.
Not in a scary way.

I thought of the game some recently, because this odd thought entered my mind;
A call to embrace the abyss. To go to it.
And I thought, where the blast is this coming from?
The vocab is a bit like Diablo, and it feels a bit like that there's this place within me, that where if I go, I'll feel happy, or familiar, or free in some way maybe.
It comes when I find my self in a situation when I overexpose my self to others and become wanting to be alone rather than participating in what's going about.

It feels like that I could push through all that I know and all the processes in my mind that go-on on their own.
Close my eyes, the ones in my mind, that are always searching and observing and trying to understand, to create, to recall, to see, to not see. always at work.
And with these eyes closed, unobserved I could pass through the layers of thought that usually gravitate towards them. Exit the sphere of information that compose the man I am and drift away into the void outside. Not followed by a single thought or feeling. Unobserved I'd drift away from all the love and war, and the thousand natural shock that the flesh is heir to. Far away into the mind not yet occupied by reality. The places where I have not yet become. The abyss.
I imagine it dark and empty and vast and quiet and I'm not in it. I'm it.
Full capacity achieved without the burden of dominion. Featureless yet Glorious, empty but not in lack of content.

I always repress the urge to set on that journey right there and then and promise my self to come back to it in a more suitable situation. Somewhere I won't be disturbed. Or disturbing :D
But without it calling I'm lost for direction. I can't find the eyes inside to cover them, I can't feel them to shut them. My presence in a certain location in my psyche loses its eminence. The sphere loses density and shape.
Much like when the ocean meets the sky is such way that the horizon disappears. And I'm the ocean; calm, but very much alive and quite earthbound.

A desire to transcend would appear to have entered my mind for the first time (first time not out of curiosity but for absolution). I've met a couple of people with such a desire, they used different terminologies and images, but all of them were in an unhappy place.
And, undoubtedly, I'm in a place like that now myself.
Is this an opportunity? Has a biological mechanism in me been set in motion, giving me an ability to dislocate my self from a situation through internal restructuring?
Where are the days gone, when touching the infinity was on the absolute top of my desires, far ahead of anything else, and at the end of all my pursuits ... I was immortal then.

I feel very little these days, it's out of necessity, self-imposed.
I'm conserving resources. It's all I do.
I stepped out of this a couple of times recently. And I gushed tears like a shot-up canister.
There's no retreat. There's no surrender.
A storm is inevitably coming, and when it has I will become it.

Until then you will know me as the man I was the last time you saw me.