I've been pondering lately, what is it that i actually like doing.
A query i had, led me to ask this my self. I was looking into what should i do with my life next and not only that, but also what to do with my spare time, now that I have somewhat regained stability.
What's been hampering this my effort, among other things, is a realisation that this is something i should have done a very long time ago. This is something that should have been figured out during my early teens.
And they really tried, they showed me and had me try all that was available. From chess, to mountaineering. all sports, old and new, they gave me books and led me to languages. music instruments were made available as fine motor skills had been worked on as well.
Yet there was no one around who'd think like i do. And if they where, we never recognised one another. So I left the security of schools and family home, being good at many things, not so good at a few also but not really excelling in anything. Oblivious to what i might want to do or be.
So i just did what i was thought to do at school that my Mum chose for me and luckily I ended up doing a job that stimulates and on occasions challenges me mentally. Yet, I don't consider my profession an integral part of who i em and I never wear the coat of arms. It feels more like a thing i can do very well for living because it perfectly flatters the way my brain works and with knowledge and experience that since came along, it takes me a lot less effort to do this effectively enough rather than anything else.
This makes me wander whether it wasn't my way of thinking that evolved around my profession rather that the specific demands that my job has on an individual, were somewhat among my abilities already. I suppose it's a bit of both. There was a talent for it and it got developed through the job. And now there's this ability to hold in my mind a large quantity of data at the same time and i can combine it and untie it and put it in contexts of anything that i ever came across and somehow understood and out of this i can create an output that's created so that it shows the grand scheme yet at the same time all the tiny technical details are mentioned and explained and none of the steps i have made are forgotten and all are re-traceable if not retractable. and these schemes i can keep alive inside my mind in large numbers (there never was shortage of space) and keep them fresh almost as when wrapped up for years and years. And i put these into bigger pictures too and nothing i ever came across was too big for me to eventually understand. some things i deciphered faster, some took years and on some i still keep the books open, possibly with all the data needed already in, just not in a good order or maybe there's still the critical shard missing. but that's fine, the books closed on shelves are not sealed and often it'd happen the they still get some work done in too. and there are books i know that will never get finished and I'm in peace with that. I keep those out of respect and that they are necessary particles for greater schemes.
Don't get me started on the fiction section of the library ... I sometimes wonder which is bigger. But, since there's no actual library or imaginary one and a library's been used here as a metaphor, it's not so daunting.

I never shied away from complicated things.
I em a complicated thing.

Maybe this thirst for deciphering whys and whats of the world, of tings and of people, is me still on the quest to explain why i'm the way i em, where's it come from.
Or maybe it's the hobby of mine i was trying-so to identify. To know what is it where i get my kicks from. So i could go forth and spend my time the way i'd believe i want. To be able to identify and to find kindred spirits and not be alone. (i actually em not alone... i have friends and good ones too. What i meant is, that out of all that goes on in my life, about 20-30% is happening in reality. This is not of choice or regret ... that's how it is. and I suppose i'm destined forever to hope for a friend, that could go with me to these places where i live, that are not in the world.)
.. a bit of both i suppose. if the two aforementioned maybes aren't the same maybe just observed from different angles.
Understand something is the easiest thing to do for a person. (or should be) Understanding correctly though is a whole new thing. That, depending on the thing obviously, seriously narrows the amount of possible candidates. And, if we don't count those that may know the right answer but can't really explained how the answer works, a few remain. A hauntingly scarce amount of people do their own thinking theme selves. That's always been like that, but in the olden days, people were stimulated to think at least by the ever present threat of famine and war and loss.. now there's non of that. All that most of the population (western educated population) thinks about now, is how to feel adequate and how to get laid. all else is taken care off ... and even in these two 'challenges', there's popular culture pouring at you from all sides with exact walk-through manuals and it basically takes care of you all the way. Until you try really hard to tear away.

Only way to be sure one understands something correctly is that one can recreate the something.
All other ways of confirming ones understanding always leave a percentage of probability, that the experiment applying a theory was successful, only by a chance. (in short - a doubt :D)
For instance: one can think that they understand a faucet; 'turning this nob here makes the water flow.' Only way to prove thought, that it wasn't a coincidence that it happened like that, is by experimenting again. And only way to be sure that it wasn't a bigger coincidence that it appeared to have worked the same twice, one has to try again, an it goes on and on.
Learning of things this way is risky, since if such an experiment proves ones grasp in 500 instances and only fails once at the 354th instance, there's a boogieman already waiting to be invented as an explanation of all these instances when a superficial mind may feel like that things don't make sense any more.
One can recreate a faucet. Producing of a copy, that's similar enough that it can replace the faucet the nascent plumber prodigy had seen as a first of it's species, can put them at ease that they actually do understand a faucet. To understand a faucet one doesn't necessarily has to produce a new one though. A virtual copy of the system will suffice, whether one creates it with the use of CAD or by drawing on a piece of parer or just having a working model of it in their mind.
One is still perhaps ignorant of the materials used and how the particular ones been invented, chosen and produced and how the current faucet design evolved from the first faucet ever. But one knows enough not to end up sacrificing a goat, every 354th time the faucet worked without an error. And one doesn't have to look into their contract for the property in which their faucet just didn't work, to make sure that it's not something they should be taking personally.
There are more intricate designs out there though ... a steam engine perhaps. everyone understands the concept, very few can actually recreate how it works. they'll say.. the steam expands and will lift heavy stuff to find it's way out. (if they don't say that the steam comes out of the chimney) which doesn't really explain anything. It's them telling you, it's because of the pressure obviously, duh.
I grant you though, steam engine is still quite a simple design to understand. (not simple to discover, not simple to implement effectively). Then there is weather, infrastructures, faith, people, politics, love, ...
I suppose one can do easily, knowing about everything only what most of the people think they know about anything. .. Suppose it might even be better like that. if one's a cow perhaps. Or any sort of farm animal really. (here's an Orwellian pun! that happen unintentionally :D)


And where i was aiming with this, i'm not sure.
I think the point was that it's fine and that i don't need to feel that i'm doing what i wanted to do, because what ever i do, i get my kicks out of it. And knowing this now, i might actually start doing that anything that i haven't been doing much of late.
And when it comes to kindred spirits ... for whatever i chose to go for, they'll be there. But if my hobby is my worlds, it's not gonna be easy. Either i make my worlds somehow accessible or move my life more into reality. ..

I'm knackered now and some of those sentences above are just a bit too much now to double check whether they make sense at all .. so .. i leave you to them, hoping for the best :D night night

it's been a not so dry Jan this one.

not with booze not with tears. 

yet i could have done with a bit more tears.

perhaps those are still to come.

or i've grown somewhat, beyond my understanding.

maybe understanding's the childish bit i so cling too.

maybe a faith to the self one carries within is the god i've always been looking for. never finding it, just getting glimpses as i was passing, struggling through this life, always putting love in the first place. It's possible, it would seem now, that i have an idea of what's to become of me. or at least what's not too.

'the rock will hold you' and 'do the lifting by your legs if you can'. those are the two bits of advice i'd hear so often, when being thought rock climbing. 

I wish i could never let anyone go. I wish i could be there when ever a need for my strength arises for those i love. 

I wrote here, years ago, that with strength comes responsibility. and i've been trying to carry all the weight of the world, to spread the good i know for fact there is in men, yet i failed and failed again, so often just by going too far. (i secretly hope though that i haven't really failed)

I've been but compensating, by trying to help and to support others, my inability to connect by any other means to them, to be included to humanity. I indeed feel i stand apart. and it's all been caused by my reluctance to participate in any behavioural patterns i didn't manage to find enough sense in. 

I had all the faith in good becoming evil with kindness and blind perseverance. I had faith in my logic making sense of my actions to be and past. 

But only shape good ever had to me was progress. there always seems to me be room for improvement. 

I live to live perhaps, or whatever other cause there might be for life. But all my other energy goes into figuring things out and making whatever i can better, more efficient, more right (by some standards i acquired before i learned of critical thinking) 

'I live by example' is always the last resort of mine, when confronted with the utter inadequacy of my self to what i become for others, especially when i fail them, when i abandon them. and i usually can't help it but shed a bit of my soul as a respect. as a token of gratitude to the invisible narrator, who for one reason or another, would decide not to call me a villain but a good guy just trying hard.

Please don't see this as self pity. I don't yet venture that way. and i would like to believe that i'll never have to. but believing is something i feel i'll have to learn all anew since i've been doing it all wrong. being too cautious of my steps, seeing my self as the first and the last resort. and that learning i'll have to start by losing. and that's something i started this year with. 

I gave up something i was hoping for so very much for something else that haven't even taken a form yet.

it was a choice of faith, and there's no logical justification for it. 

it might not sound all too new. possibly because it isn't.

what's new though is, that it feels right. (or else i can't explain the numbness that became the part of my heart i tore it from) and it feels that this particular kind of blind choices are to become a new trend in my life. A way of being that'd protect me from always giving up whoever i em to whatever my heart catches a like of... love of. 

I used to think i hate everyone. since i feared everyone... that was a Long time ago. Since the day i was tried as a witch and sentenced by my close friends. 

this, call it 'hate', was coming from my inability to understand and thus forgive. 

a little less long time ago i understood and forgave and the fear had gone.

I stopped thinking of others and gone back to observing the world of wonders in which things grew and flown and floated and fell and actions caused actions and colours would take other colours just to tell stories of their environment in time and space and transmissions and traffic was all that i'd think of, until my early teens, when humans again emerged as a point of interest. 

I was dumbfounded for a long time, baffled at the intricate world i entered. i did struggle for a while too but eventually emerged again at peace, only to realise i love everyone.

and i kind of think i still do. if it's not some form of narcissism coming from my yet again obtained firm grasp of what's up. 

and loving everyone is definitely commendable and all. but daft i think. 

one should learn from nature, since it has answers to all questions of life and a long ago it deciphered how to be to be. and it doesn't love or hate all. it has it's soft spots and there are places that are the image of hell... but all and all, it's indifferent. 

the universe is indifferent. and that's how i think i'd like to be. 

i'm a living human being and i love and hope obviously and i don't mean to stop doing that. only just perhaps limit my scope of caring to a reasonable amount.

i don't know if this is right. but it feels right, right now.

I am a person. I have a past. A good one. An interesting one. I lived well and have done many things. And whatever my future is to be, it has to make sense within who i already em. and the I is not indefinite and undefinable. I'm mortal and weak as is my physical form. I live by a chance and will pass by it. I have needs and desires and by satisfying those well I draw happiness which makes sense of me having a self.
A desire yet to fulfil might be passing my knowledge down to others to allow them to live good. to afford them to be happy and well.

This talk might be cause by me having spent the weekend with my best friend and his young family, having lost my self on multiple occasions in play with his one year old daughter. everything mattered there and all is to a good start. I got to observe her little beautiful world and it filled me with much hope and peace.