This is not the traditional new years prispevek. That'll come later, if it will. (but it should; humongous shit's gonna go down in 019.)
And I'm writing from a computer that doesn't have an english spell-check.

I'd like to put down a note about one heck of a down that I've only finally started coming out of yesterday. It was so dense I completely forgot it was one of those. I've decided not to panic that they are getting ever worse, as one never does at the start of a hign and as with a hindsight I can tell how much had this one been inflated by particular external happenings and my lack of IFR experience. Or training really.. (will explain later or on demand)

I forgot how great I was:
Cause feeling good about my self is selfish especially when others don't feel too good about them selves and more so, about me. That was one premisse preventing my mind to do it's most important job propperly, the job being being my advocate. Another such flawed premise was, that to be able to tell what's true and what isn't, one always has to be ready to suspect one's self of lying as much as they would do others. Which is basically fighting arogance by zealous clensing of ones concience having for a judge anyone willing. Yes: truth prevails. But: - it's no more real than false. - other things are more important - and the most But of all; I's not my job to make it prevail.
Throughout came a notion that I don't really need to eat that much either. Which to be honest I haven't yet abandoned entirely. But given the circumstances of sever depressions, intense stress at work and lack of comfort at home, I should have know better.
I'd date this down a month old.. the sticky thick part of it. I can recall catching its glipses as far as when writing the previoust prispevek, when thinking I should write about the flight whilst in better spirits but that they might not be improving any time soon.
Worst part of this one I think was seeing my confidence (not only in my self but for improvement or a future of my sanity) fading away with every encounter with another person; observing my self utterly failing to appreciate what is the point of it and my inability to participate or to fake it. Helplesly watching my self panicking trying to discuise it, making a double mess out of it.

All this will be around for a bit longer. Receeding gradualy into the past, never to be forgotten as nothing this intense ever would. And to make that would into a should one can only take a lesson out of it.

I concluded some while ago that only meaning to anything is man made.
But I have to wonder now, if there isn't more to life than meaning or a purpose. But what is the purposse of a more in a meaningless universe. Also I probably only used the word more instead of the word something not to sound cliche and didn't use the word less not to sound nonsense. But all it was, was a natural reaction of a man who's logic's been proven flawed grasping for the unknown to blame.

So to conclude: In order not to live a meaning less life as there are loved ones not to fail (and other reasons I suppose ... like for instance vanity). One has to accept a man made meaning. And if life doesn't award one a sensible or a good enough meaning, one has to invent one for them selves. Then to achieve this purpose one has to believe in them selves no matter what. And I don't mean believe in the sense of knowing and hoping, I mean in the sense of faith. The blind and arogant kind. The kind a wishfull thinking folk aquires once they run out of cheeks to turn. I don't mean one should become a monster, you already either are or aren't one anyway. And looking back at my life and upbringing and my experience of the world I believe I'm a good man. It is a part of my faith and it's not to be questioned again. Not by me or anyone else.
Appart for being a good man, I'm also fucking great.
Faith, period

I flew and it was awesome.

27/07/2018 13:25-14:25 EGTR. About 13 kts cross wind. Cessna 152. 

Taxied to the airstrip. Took off (in control of the stick and the rudder only). Climbed to 2000 ft. Levelled flight and turns. Quicker turns applying also the rudder. Descended to 1000 feet for approach. In control most of the time. Instructor landed. No ATC on my part whatsoever.
Flew over Watford, Bovingdon, Hemel Hampstead, St Albans and Hatfield towards Waltham Cross where we did a coule of faster turns and then followed M25 till north of the aerodrome. Descended to 1000 ft, and did short approach from south west.
At two points, while taxiing and during the initial climb, the instructor (A really nice chap called David) pointed out I was ever so tense. I was indeed, wrestling my feet again one another taxing up a mild grassy slope to the strip and on the initial climb. And when entering gusts of wind at tree tops level I held the yoke a bit too tight. Pointing this out was sufficient for me to realise and relax. Kept my flight levelled well. Was a bit too brush with the controls when manoeuvring. I was too eager to be gentle and the quip about me having to treat her more like a lady was spot on.

Bought my self first two books; Flying Training and Air Law & Meteorology and a pilot log book, filling my first flight hour in.

It felt so very right and freeing. Like all the dreams one has about flying. It was a bit windy on the day and so it wasn't as serene as one would imagine, but no less awesome. I dear say I'm happy it was windy. The more I got to appreciate how the controls respond and how the aircraft behaves in manoeuvres.
It took a couple of hours to relax my face and release it from an excited happy grin that overtook it when I walked out the school doors.

No fear or nervozity. No nausea or unsure tummy (and I feel at two points David attempted to get a bit of a reaction out of me.) So on that part or any other, there are all to reasons to fly as much as possible and none not to. Apart for the financial part of the endeavour, which is at times daunting. But it seems and has been calculated thoroughly, should not be a problem, at least to the point of acquiring my PPL. What to do when that's in, is a bridge I'll cross when I reach it.
It doesn't look too grim. I will have to keep on compromising my quality of life and other savings on saving for flying. But at this point of my life it seems to me like the obvious thing to do.
A question sometimes pops up in my mind, a question that for a second takes the wind off my sails, a question whether it didn't take me too long to realise and to get to the point when flying is actually imaginable and if I'm not a bit too old to divert all my energy towards it.
It's not too serious of a doubt though. A bit of an echo of the old ever waiting me, being only at ease when all corners were covered and all possible powers mastered for when it begins. And it only echoes back since it's starting ever so gradually that it might almost seem that it hasn't yet. And It really hasn't properly kicked off, but when I stop to think I can see how much it has changed my life already and how very good it's been for me and how far I have already gone towards It.

More flying in the second half of the spring. And hopefully the licence by the end of the summer.
Now I need to clear my mind, gain some weight and get my body back up to speed. Get a car and keep on feeding the budget monster.

The time flies when one has a project.
When one has four it blasts past.
Work is going well. It's challenging and sometimes it's very challenging. But I'm learning piles and the sense of becoming has come back. Stronger than ever before.
I'm getting sharper every day and my confidence is nearing the good old days, before I left all things familiar behind.

The project to fly has not taken into the wind yet. However, the other Sunday i made a trip out of visiting the airport. Popped into the best looking school I had my eye on for a while and booked and paid for the first lesson. First date is in the calendar. And the date is less than a month away. Let's hope for the weather to work out.
There will be more than five month gap between this lesson and the next.
But there being Christmas within those months and a couple of not quite tiny points on the program to meet it's not going to take long at all.

what else to say.
More and more sense is finding it's way into my mind. It'd be well happy if only it didn't mean that the capacity had been there laying dormant while I was bumbling about, subconsciously knowing that I'm loosing energy in all other directions but a sensible one. A my one.
I'll make sense eventually out of why it was good that I had that time in my life, but for now it just feels like that I had to have missed some very important lessons somewhere. Or maybe, i hadn't met anyone who knew and could tell. Most probably I just wasn't listening.

When younger I used to feel I was getting wiser. Then it stopped for some years and I assumed that it must be that I just got over my self. But maybe I'm back on track. Maybe. And maybe is good enough.

That 07.07. date's past.

Two years and I feel like I know where I am.

I only wish I learned some of the things this has thought me a bit earlier. 

However; I can't imagine learning those any other way but leaving the old homestead and I don't remember a period of my life prior to it that I wouldn't regret omitting, had there been a choice, especially having the hindsight of today.

Initial decision was two years, no matter what. And to see later if to call in another two years or aim higher, bearing in mind that in an ideal course of things, such a deal wouldn't be necessary as the path will have cleared of doubt, anxieties and confusion.

I haven't entered no new commitment to stay here for a specific period of time before going back, because there's no going back. Going 'back home' isn't going back any more, it would mean going away. It doesn't feel like I should be staying here for the rest of it either. It is somehow imaginable, but not particularly desirable. 

Sort of a yearning to move on at some point has been coming and going and the americas have been reoccurring in future latent planing as the next vantage point that might be worth taking. And the idea doesn't feel like the move over here did. Probably because it wouldn't be an escape. An escape from ignorance and assumptions on cases in which one finds certainty of an esence. An escape from my own ignorance, that has been so far successful. This isn't me saying that those who never left home are ignorant. Just that I was. I was thinking I might have been and later was proven to have had been indeed. 

Before I go anywhere I fly. Only other option is that flying becomes non-feasible over here and to get on with it a relocation becomes a necessity. There also is a time limit, I have X3 more years to become a pilot. (not to start, but to finish.) It should all be happening next year, but let's keep an altitude in case things go haywire (as they tend to). If I'm not successful and no other point to my life's been discovered I retreat to woodlands and become a hermit. (i think)

Once I have flown enough, I have the paper and a skill I assess my options (as I'm sure will be doing so daily throughout) and establish a new long term target or a period for it's formation and financing. The target won't be an object or a person, it will be a goal of clear proportions. If this approach proves it self flawed or non conforming to my nature, I retreat to woodlands and become a hermit. (i think) 

Sometimes I wonder why haven't I retreated to a woodland hermitage already. But then I realise how great it would be to do so with an airplane. for a bit. if not just for a sabbatical of a sort.

June come, bugs are gone.

It was brutal. at work. Who em i? 

With my birthday on a Friday in April when i became thirty and had my leaving due with my work birthday celebration combined to which I had my best friend snehoprinc podpatkac invited to as well since he surprised me by coming to London unannounced, I left the old company. 

They wouldn't pay me enough and were faffing about with all sorts of bollocks like targets for promotion and what not, not talking in numbers and time scale. Either they are stupid or thought that i was.. I choose to think the later, since i'm such a nice guy.

That's four months lost on my financial plan for the flying enterprise. And that angered me indeed.

This time, i think for the first time, i did'n leave for temporary unemployment but started working in a new place the day after. It would seem I'm moving up in the world :D

Since to me now, this is a history long gone, long story short; when i asked for my salary review meeting for the fourth time, having been send back some further self assessment forms for promotion after three month of postponing, i wrote an assessment indeed. Not of my self as it was too ridiculous of a request, but an assessment of how i felt. It might have been a bit brush (abrasive was the term used (after peace was restored)). They didn't take it well at all. Said some really bad stuff as well, the kind that one at our time and age shouldn't. (again, probably thought me daft) and then gave me an instant pay rise (laughable as well) and promised big things to come in five years ... I'm a really nice guy.

This being a separate matter and it would have gone down the same way regardless, around that time there was another company that seemed interesting and had me over for an interview around that time. twice. the second one actually happened the afternoon after my fire spelled salary review. They offered me the job as i walked into the door (it was a second interview).

It's a better job. better place. better. and it's challenging, at some points very. and the money they offered might just be enough to patch over those five months lost to my nice guy nature. 

This is more immediate reality and so rather then cutting a story short, I'll be, as is my common practice here, vague. I hope to keep it, I hope to hack it, I hope to excel in it. and i want it now... i need it now. otherwise i'll fail. my self. they would be okay i think, if i did not miraculously managed everything with flying colours.. 

More when there's more. Tomorrow I'm heading up to Amersham for another management meeting. I'll be given another project, my third, fourth effectively .. they seem to really trust me. It's lovely up there... a small village, surrounded by forests, there are horses too... beautiful. and the train ride from King's cross is nice as well.

it was around the same time that things improved at home too. it became home. the place i used to call my place. New people moved in. three new people replacing the old lot. two of us staid, and the other one haven't really been here too long either and she was the best of the old lot anyway. 

Some of the nicest people out there as well. It's a family. We build a cinema in the garden and hang out together, and laugh a lot, have people over and even had a barbecue (there'll be a lot more). I'm my self in front of them. That I hadn't completely been for a long time. It's an important thing i learned, to have a people like that. more than once a week. I'm indeed experiencing something i haven't felt in a long time. A sense of belonging it might be called? about time I suppose. next week it will be two years. that should be enough to feel home in a place.

The other day it came over me so. I was cycling that day. for a swim to Stratford, to chill with the guys in Hyde Park. On the ride home, slightly intoxicated, i realised i belong. It was nice. It hasn't gone, I just got used to it rally fast. I'm among my own

Slowly slowly catchy monkey.
But be bloody sure you're catching it

April's the bailout limit, i said to my self when the year started. If i'm not in the clear from the few issues that were bugging me, in April i'll sort them out gloves off.

The march came along and there's just one bug remaining. It's work. There's nothing insurmountable happening there, only that i'm not being paid enough for the work i do. In my profession that apparently happens quite often, and it had happened to me before. And only way to make real-ish money in my department, one hast to work for them selves. But there's time for that. Now i need to grow and learn and meet people and make my name with them first.
The last time it happened i went with it for some time, then worked on it encountering utter preposterousness and then I just left. the country :D..
It's different now, me being abroad and all my support system is of my device. But more importantly, i have a plan that i have to stick to. (flying) And that needs funding and with every another month it's becoming more and more immediate. There's been talks and all, stuff happened since and new kind of respect's been achieved. But that simply is not enough. I can't afford to stick around just cause people are nice and the company is prestigious.
April come and no promotion received and sufficient salary increase in sight, April gone I'll be too. Or at least my notice handed over. (I want to finish the project for my self.. CV's sake, experience and confidence's sake too). Finding a job in here never took me too long. especially with the salary i currently have. and if there's no prospect of growth in this one. i either grow by leaving for better or at least other, where there such a prospect is imaginable. Or i go bloody pour pints and have a break for a month or so..
This is not the sort of thing i'd usually write here (at least not in such an open way), and I'm not doing it now to give my words extra weight. I think that since i'm moving my life from my worlds into reality, these sort of things should now be included. And also as i sometimes go back to read my notes here from the old days when encountering similar obstacles, there's not enough about my professional life. There are notes of how i felt and what i was thinking about at the time. but non of the approach i had and the way i had been looking at the situation.
I remember a lot, but the little nuances are of the essence. And noticing that my face book photos have a very little to do with who i was, i'm happy to have this place and the importance of this blog has been steadily growing.

So blah blah blah ... In July it'll be two years since i moved to London. And the initial commitment i had to my self has been for two years;
No quitting before then no matter what, No remorse if i choose to leave all after then. New commitment to be put in place at the terms end. Or a contingency plan with a clear deadline to be drafted.

If all looked the same in July as it looks now, from the pre-London point of view I did well. From the hindsight point of view: July comes and all's the same as now, I'm stagnating and a fall is eminent. That's due to the progress that I've made since and due to a more informed view i now have of the battlefield. The battlefield out there and the one inside.
I never had anyone pressuring me into anything. I had a lot of people trying... but you know, it's not easy. Not for long.
Now I'm under pressure. and it's coming from the only person that ever succeeded in pressuring me. And they're using my dreams as the pressure point and the motivator. will se how that goes. It'd be rally cool if it'd prove effective. long term effective.

I've been far too delicate and gentle with everyone. too much diplomacy and not enough regard to how not smashing stuff that needs smashing makes me feel. It wasn't wrong, it worked most of the time. even though at some cases it was straight forward counterproductive. As any other general approach. I used to have almost unlimited time for everything as i age slowly and being a man, there are very few deadlines for stuff. delicate approach worked. Now i live to another paradigm. And it have happened a couple of times lately, that i bluntly said what needed saying and no fuses went of and a lot of time was saved. It felt unnatural to me, yet so very good at the same time.

It's ok that I'm growing up so slowly. I'm a millennial, if i could have grown up fast, i would have. not doable in this world i was born into. Some of us put it on and some are old in heart. But in a world where so very little makes sense (less than you'd think. If you think that you understand anything because it's simple and not because you need to, you're blatantly of the mark) and sense is a core value to you; it'll take a while.

in other important news of my life: The time for buying a new pair of shoes has come. both my soles now have holes in them and the shoes are looking less then presentable. I love them. they are barefoot gobies and i wore them almost a year and a half straight. Shoes are important..

I've been pondering lately, what is it that i actually like doing.
A query i had, led me to ask this my self. I was looking into what should i do with my life next and not only that, but also what to do with my spare time, now that I have somewhat regained stability.
What's been hampering this my effort, among other things, is a realisation that this is something i should have done a very long time ago. This is something that should have been figured out during my early teens.
And they really tried, they showed me and had me try all that was available. From chess, to mountaineering. all sports, old and new, they gave me books and led me to languages. music instruments were made available as fine motor skills had been worked on as well.
Yet there was no one around who'd think like i do. And if they where, we never recognised one another. So I left the security of schools and family home, being good at many things, not so good at a few also but not really excelling in anything. Oblivious to what i might want to do or be.
So i just did what i was thought to do at school that my Mum chose for me and luckily I ended up doing a job that stimulates and on occasions challenges me mentally. Yet, I don't consider my profession an integral part of who i em and I never wear the coat of arms. It feels more like a thing i can do very well for living because it perfectly flatters the way my brain works and with knowledge and experience that since came along, it takes me a lot less effort to do this effectively enough rather than anything else.
This makes me wander whether it wasn't my way of thinking that evolved around my profession rather that the specific demands that my job has on an individual, were somewhat among my abilities already. I suppose it's a bit of both. There was a talent for it and it got developed through the job. And now there's this ability to hold in my mind a large quantity of data at the same time and i can combine it and untie it and put it in contexts of anything that i ever came across and somehow understood and out of this i can create an output that's created so that it shows the grand scheme yet at the same time all the tiny technical details are mentioned and explained and none of the steps i have made are forgotten and all are re-traceable if not retractable. and these schemes i can keep alive inside my mind in large numbers (there never was shortage of space) and keep them fresh almost as when wrapped up for years and years. And i put these into bigger pictures too and nothing i ever came across was too big for me to eventually understand. some things i deciphered faster, some took years and on some i still keep the books open, possibly with all the data needed already in, just not in a good order or maybe there's still the critical shard missing. but that's fine, the books closed on shelves are not sealed and often it'd happen the they still get some work done in too. and there are books i know that will never get finished and I'm in peace with that. I keep those out of respect and that they are necessary particles for greater schemes.
Don't get me started on the fiction section of the library ... I sometimes wonder which is bigger. But, since there's no actual library or imaginary one and a library's been used here as a metaphor, it's not so daunting.

I never shied away from complicated things.
I em a complicated thing.

Maybe this thirst for deciphering whys and whats of the world, of tings and of people, is me still on the quest to explain why i'm the way i em, where's it come from.
Or maybe it's the hobby of mine i was trying-so to identify. To know what is it where i get my kicks from. So i could go forth and spend my time the way i'd believe i want. To be able to identify and to find kindred spirits and not be alone. (i actually em not alone... i have friends and good ones too. What i meant is, that out of all that goes on in my life, about 20-30% is happening in reality. This is not of choice or regret ... that's how it is. and I suppose i'm destined forever to hope for a friend, that could go with me to these places where i live, that are not in the world.)
.. a bit of both i suppose. if the two aforementioned maybes aren't the same maybe just observed from different angles.
Understand something is the easiest thing to do for a person. (or should be) Understanding correctly though is a whole new thing. That, depending on the thing obviously, seriously narrows the amount of possible candidates. And, if we don't count those that may know the right answer but can't really explained how the answer works, a few remain. A hauntingly scarce amount of people do their own thinking theme selves. That's always been like that, but in the olden days, people were stimulated to think at least by the ever present threat of famine and war and loss.. now there's non of that. All that most of the population (western educated population) thinks about now, is how to feel adequate and how to get laid. all else is taken care off ... and even in these two 'challenges', there's popular culture pouring at you from all sides with exact walk-through manuals and it basically takes care of you all the way. Until you try really hard to tear away.

Only way to be sure one understands something correctly is that one can recreate the something.
All other ways of confirming ones understanding always leave a percentage of probability, that the experiment applying a theory was successful, only by a chance. (in short - a doubt :D)
For instance: one can think that they understand a faucet; 'turning this nob here makes the water flow.' Only way to prove thought, that it wasn't a coincidence that it happened like that, is by experimenting again. And only way to be sure that it wasn't a bigger coincidence that it appeared to have worked the same twice, one has to try again, an it goes on and on.
Learning of things this way is risky, since if such an experiment proves ones grasp in 500 instances and only fails once at the 354th instance, there's a boogieman already waiting to be invented as an explanation of all these instances when a superficial mind may feel like that things don't make sense any more.
One can recreate a faucet. Producing of a copy, that's similar enough that it can replace the faucet the nascent plumber prodigy had seen as a first of it's species, can put them at ease that they actually do understand a faucet. To understand a faucet one doesn't necessarily has to produce a new one though. A virtual copy of the system will suffice, whether one creates it with the use of CAD or by drawing on a piece of parer or just having a working model of it in their mind.
One is still perhaps ignorant of the materials used and how the particular ones been invented, chosen and produced and how the current faucet design evolved from the first faucet ever. But one knows enough not to end up sacrificing a goat, every 354th time the faucet worked without an error. And one doesn't have to look into their contract for the property in which their faucet just didn't work, to make sure that it's not something they should be taking personally.
There are more intricate designs out there though ... a steam engine perhaps. everyone understands the concept, very few can actually recreate how it works. they'll say.. the steam expands and will lift heavy stuff to find it's way out. (if they don't say that the steam comes out of the chimney) which doesn't really explain anything. It's them telling you, it's because of the pressure obviously, duh.
I grant you though, steam engine is still quite a simple design to understand. (not simple to discover, not simple to implement effectively). Then there is weather, infrastructures, faith, people, politics, love, ...
I suppose one can do easily, knowing about everything only what most of the people think they know about anything. .. Suppose it might even be better like that. if one's a cow perhaps. Or any sort of farm animal really. (here's an Orwellian pun! that happen unintentionally :D)


And where i was aiming with this, i'm not sure.
I think the point was that it's fine and that i don't need to feel that i'm doing what i wanted to do, because what ever i do, i get my kicks out of it. And knowing this now, i might actually start doing that anything that i haven't been doing much of late.
And when it comes to kindred spirits ... for whatever i chose to go for, they'll be there. But if my hobby is my worlds, it's not gonna be easy. Either i make my worlds somehow accessible or move my life more into reality. ..

I'm knackered now and some of those sentences above are just a bit too much now to double check whether they make sense at all .. so .. i leave you to them, hoping for the best :D night night

it's been a not so dry Jan this one.

not with booze not with tears. 

yet i could have done with a bit more tears.

perhaps those are still to come.

or i've grown somewhat, beyond my understanding.

maybe understanding's the childish bit i so cling too.

maybe a faith to the self one carries within is the god i've always been looking for. never finding it, just getting glimpses as i was passing, struggling through this life, always putting love in the first place. It's possible, it would seem now, that i have an idea of what's to become of me. or at least what's not too.

'the rock will hold you' and 'do the lifting by your legs if you can'. those are the two bits of advice i'd hear so often, when being thought rock climbing. 

I wish i could never let anyone go. I wish i could be there when ever a need for my strength arises for those i love. 

I wrote here, years ago, that with strength comes responsibility. and i've been trying to carry all the weight of the world, to spread the good i know for fact there is in men, yet i failed and failed again, so often just by going too far. (i secretly hope though that i haven't really failed)

I've been but compensating, by trying to help and to support others, my inability to connect by any other means to them, to be included to humanity. I indeed feel i stand apart. and it's all been caused by my reluctance to participate in any behavioural patterns i didn't manage to find enough sense in. 

I had all the faith in good becoming evil with kindness and blind perseverance. I had faith in my logic making sense of my actions to be and past. 

But only shape good ever had to me was progress. there always seems to me be room for improvement. 

I live to live perhaps, or whatever other cause there might be for life. But all my other energy goes into figuring things out and making whatever i can better, more efficient, more right (by some standards i acquired before i learned of critical thinking) 

'I live by example' is always the last resort of mine, when confronted with the utter inadequacy of my self to what i become for others, especially when i fail them, when i abandon them. and i usually can't help it but shed a bit of my soul as a respect. as a token of gratitude to the invisible narrator, who for one reason or another, would decide not to call me a villain but a good guy just trying hard.

Please don't see this as self pity. I don't yet venture that way. and i would like to believe that i'll never have to. but believing is something i feel i'll have to learn all anew since i've been doing it all wrong. being too cautious of my steps, seeing my self as the first and the last resort. and that learning i'll have to start by losing. and that's something i started this year with. 

I gave up something i was hoping for so very much for something else that haven't even taken a form yet.

it was a choice of faith, and there's no logical justification for it. 

it might not sound all too new. possibly because it isn't.

what's new though is, that it feels right. (or else i can't explain the numbness that became the part of my heart i tore it from) and it feels that this particular kind of blind choices are to become a new trend in my life. A way of being that'd protect me from always giving up whoever i em to whatever my heart catches a like of... love of. 

I used to think i hate everyone. since i feared everyone... that was a Long time ago. Since the day i was tried as a witch and sentenced by my close friends. 

this, call it 'hate', was coming from my inability to understand and thus forgive. 

a little less long time ago i understood and forgave and the fear had gone.

I stopped thinking of others and gone back to observing the world of wonders in which things grew and flown and floated and fell and actions caused actions and colours would take other colours just to tell stories of their environment in time and space and transmissions and traffic was all that i'd think of, until my early teens, when humans again emerged as a point of interest. 

I was dumbfounded for a long time, baffled at the intricate world i entered. i did struggle for a while too but eventually emerged again at peace, only to realise i love everyone.

and i kind of think i still do. if it's not some form of narcissism coming from my yet again obtained firm grasp of what's up. 

and loving everyone is definitely commendable and all. but daft i think. 

one should learn from nature, since it has answers to all questions of life and a long ago it deciphered how to be to be. and it doesn't love or hate all. it has it's soft spots and there are places that are the image of hell... but all and all, it's indifferent. 

the universe is indifferent. and that's how i think i'd like to be. 

i'm a living human being and i love and hope obviously and i don't mean to stop doing that. only just perhaps limit my scope of caring to a reasonable amount.

i don't know if this is right. but it feels right, right now.

I am a person. I have a past. A good one. An interesting one. I lived well and have done many things. And whatever my future is to be, it has to make sense within who i already em. and the I is not indefinite and undefinable. I'm mortal and weak as is my physical form. I live by a chance and will pass by it. I have needs and desires and by satisfying those well I draw happiness which makes sense of me having a self.
A desire yet to fulfil might be passing my knowledge down to others to allow them to live good. to afford them to be happy and well.

This talk might be cause by me having spent the weekend with my best friend and his young family, having lost my self on multiple occasions in play with his one year old daughter. everything mattered there and all is to a good start. I got to observe her little beautiful world and it filled me with much hope and peace.

for tonight, among other things i dreamed of a yacht sized head made of stone following me everywhere. it didn't speak or was all too communicative but it seemed the more excited the faster i was moving. the alarm went off in a moment when i was surfing on a sea of sand. i was going super fast, the head was ecstatic and there were friend of ours in form of small colourful animals, some on the surf with me, some on the heads forehead, we were all exhilarated with joy of the ride, having infinite raging sand sea to all directions as far as ones imagination allows.

Sometimes i feel i know too much of the world to benefit from it. That i really never did too much to deserve to know, not enough to be able to put my knowledge to a practical use. Like that my time really hasn't come yet and knowing is the last thing that i have a use for.
Truth is i guess that i did enough, or at least appropriate amount to find my self where i am. I just have this tendency to forget who i em when on a pursuit of understanding others. to be able to impersonate mind of another one has to forget them selves and what they know and feel about things. it's a massive interference when trying to see the world through another ones eyes. especially when those eyes are so so very different and haven't seen any of what i have and i haven't seen any of what they've been through.
But i'm alright... i never slacked off and i lived all there was. just that it was in my way. in the way of me.
I'm having problems with not having everything at the same time i guess. I always suffered from that. too curious to be just one person and to live one life at the time.

Been blamed a couple of times lately that i think my self superior to others (by one person). which i find preposterous but on the other hand i can sort of relate. i have some heavy standards for my self than i'd never hold anyone else to and never demand another person to comply with. but that's kind of in-executable at the point when they get near. and not even very near.
some learn to live around it and keep me for the good i have for them. some get overwhelmed and fold.
I do not think my self better or superior in any way. I wish you could believe me. I'm a sort of a soul that needs a philosophy to live by and has a innate need for being faithful and consistent within it. And that philosophy of mine is ever more cruel and unforgiving. well it might come across as such. to me it's clean and practical and it always is a pinnacle of what i can conjure with what i've lived through. after all, i spend a lot of thinking time on developing it. and kindness always played a major part within it. after integrity and honour though, and that's where it bites.

just staying faithful to who i em is the answer to all the hardship ever to become me. when havin enough of being others, coming back to my self always feels like such a relieve, but i tend to forget it never is for too long.

my time haven't arrived yet.
but i'm a patient one.
waiting is what i can do.
hope it's not all that i em too.