Je to přes půl roku.
zvykl sem si že se jezdí na druhý straně.. jako, že to mam pod kůží.
Mluvit anglicky je mi přirozenější než dřív... samozřejmě. Ale abych to přijal za svý, ještě potrvá. ne že bych neuměl dost ale vyjadřování se, je jedna z věcí co sem na ní možná až zbytečně náročnej. hlavně u sebe, u druhých třeba taky, ale co se týká vyjadřování, sem hroznej narcis. Od mluvy, přes technický výkresy až po chcaní do sněhu (letos je mj první rok bez sněhu... viděl sem ho padat ale neviděl sem ho ležet.)

Čeština se mi stává zvláštnější a zvláštnější.
Je tu jeden kluk co s nim občas zajdu na pivo a prach a když odhlídnu od jeho brutálně moravskýho přízvuku, povídáme si česky. Pak mam ještě jednou za tejden nebo dva, telefonát s domovem. jinak česky jen píšu... zprávy. nic jinýho česky nepíšu. jen sem. a mám pocit že je to znát. ne jenom z toho paslohu co ho šplouchám tady.
Ale když mám říct něco souvislejšího a delšího česky, uvědomuju si jak moc je čeština náročná na artikulaci. jeden se nadře. a když je opilej, je to vysloveně boj neznít tak. což v aj bývá až v mnohem hlubších stavech podobrazožralosti.

takže bych řekl že se i zdejší obsah postupně začne objevovat v angličtině s občasným šplouchem češtiny, kdy se na svůj rodný jazyk obrátím s informacemi které by v jazyce jiném nevyzněly a nebo nedávaly smysl.

I might not meant right away... but there you are.
It's somewhat uneasy as i realise that skill vise, I'm a bit ill equipped. But if im ever to get past that and gain confidence in my written English, i'll have to write it.
I Work in english enviroment, with english people and all i do is in english (only the bosses dog i call on 'čau psiště, no pocem ty smetáku') i write emails in english and do all the drawing and planing in english... so it should come naturaly, with time. no need to do much more. though writing in english on other occasions might speed it up. and appart from messaging, all i ever write (...) is this blog.
Using czech here in the horrific manner that i'em feels fine, as i know that i could easily use it well if i wanted to.
it's not the case with english.
there is a fair chance that if my meaning goes bonkers, it's a flaw in my language rather than in your logic (or mine.. )
so yes, that's the risk i'll be taking now. And it's the way I dare my ego and compromise my comfort zone.

Lately i have been reading my old posts here. the very early ones. before i figured out what's this place about and after. I didn't know why i was doing it but it's starting to make sense. A lot of those things i wrote there, either intentionally or unintentionally come across as something I wouldn't like to be represented by.
It is because it wasn't written by the person that i am today. And that's the reason I'm okay with it being there. after all, it follows the description of what this blog is about.
So yes, the person that I'm today has english on the level you can observe reading this and is as self conscious about it as are the couple last paragraphs worth. And this is a mosquito in amber that may one day help me, to understand why is it that i am the way a turned out to be.

It is very important to know how things came to be the way they are, why we feel what we feel and what is the actual situation we find our selves in.
So we can one day leave the circle of hatred, bloodshed, and misunderstanding that the humanity has been spinning in since we can keep track of it.
So we can break free of the slavery of pursuit of made up desires, false hopes and our, so they say, innate need for sense of purpose.
I remember the day at school, when our teacher explained to us the rule of three. it felt really good. It gave me hope that those things that one can't get answers to from ones betters, one can learn to answer ones self.
take a How and a What and you get a Why. Why and What gives How. learned How and Why sheds light on What.
It was an important milestone on my path to intellectual independence, spiritual freedom and peace that only the infinity seems to possess.
I grant you, that looking at what i'm describing here so bombastically, it is really just a pile of scribbles of a bored mind. But when i read through it I can remember who i was then, and i usually find at least two, if not all three Why, What, and How.
And given the fact that human personalities are at a huge part a mirror of the environment that they come from and head towards... it's not just about me.

I am the tool through which I observe and I become what I've seen.

in order to appreciate a fine arrangement of shapes in complementing colours, you need not only and an eye but also a memory with a program. if you want to experience the excitement of a victory, you need a bit more than that... but not that much really.
the difference between feeling sense of self while appreciating a spectacular view and feeling invincible after a victory and mere observation of those thinks with indiference is what indicates ones worth from the point of view, that inteligent life is a product of the universe being curious about itself.

but since that is just a wanna be deep spiritual concept of an overly blond surfer (perhaps) I dismiss it with and easy heart and some slightly more intricate argument. (intricate enough so i cant be bothered to write it down)
And I say only, that if you really strive to know what is your purpose. It might be logical to reason that it probably is the easiest thing for you to do and that you probably do it unintentionally just being what you are. Like it is with them most things that you are able to assign with a purpose or create for one.
And if it still isn't obvious enough. you need to know that it is not in our power to change the humanity or the nature. And that by trying so we are only chasing our tail around the may pole missing an opportunity to learn the How, or Why.. What?

Well, i can't put together a sustainable concept of ones purpose because i simply don't believe there is one. Purpose is a concept of purely human origin and above the purpose we give, there is non other. And knowing enough Whys, Hows and Whats I can't but conclude that giving a purpose to ones self is a form of violence that can only lead to ignorance and misunderstanding and harm to others.
Whilst on the other hand, sustaining a purposelessness does just the same ... Its mostly because others decide to assign me with purposes that i can't fulfil or em not even avare of.
So how does one overcome? One can just not give a fuck (If ones nature allows). One can get away from everyone. One can come up with a purpose that is the least violent and is strong and obvious enough to prevent others from assigning one with other one. So the choices are: asshole, hermit, monk.

To cut it short: I feel i should be doing a lot more with my life, given all the talent, health, intellect and beauty. It's a stupid feeling, yet it doesn't go away no matter what i do. it's been inflicted upon me by the society i live in and I've been trying to rid my self of it by all means that i could think of.

I tried to see my self and make my self seem as a lesser to lower the expectations.
I tried to root it out with philosophy.
I have been doing more with my life.

What I am has a lot to do with me being most of my life on a futile run from what is ahead of me.

yea ... no matter what it sounds like. most of the time I am just thrilled and have to fight not to burst in to loud laughter that often grips me unexpectedly no matter where i am. I experience feelings of fulfilment and happiness on almost daily bases.

either im doing something right..
or my mind has warn of and I'm in the good part, when I'll feel like this for some time until it completely reverts into utter despair. and no one can say how long either of those states will last.
(i keep the theory of bipolar disorder just to keep my self on my toes.)

well, point was to start writing in english ... point met.
have a nice one!
(I'm looking forward to work tomorrow... how fucked up is that..)