I always really liked people to do their thinking for them selves.
(Not always I suppose, but for a very long consecutive time after having left the short period when I would dabble in manipulation and controlling of what they knew and did with it. Which was over a decade ago and the resolution upon it's exit was that it's hard work that never stops with little fruit, especially with how little I relied upon others.)

Not telling people what to think. Not asking them what they are thinking and not disputing what they say or what they do (until it's in my way obviously ... I'm no bloody budha). If it's to be so that my presence is to make impact on their reality I prefer it to be with a reflection or a question rather than directions and forced imagery. I'd say that being louder to others than their own thoughts is a form of violence and that saying little towards a conclusion and leaving them time and peace to think rather then explaining has a better chance of them actually understanding things in the way things actually are. (rather than them half baking a certainty of being on the same page not to look dumb) Maybe it isn't so and it's just me.

But it always seemed the most effortless way to go being about people. And I still believe it is. But sometimes, bat shit weird stuff comes out. Say one in hundred, they'll flip af.

I also think that most of what I wrote above was just an attempt to justify using the phrase bat shit weird stuff and that they'll flip as fuk.
And I think, in a kind of a reverse psychology, it was kind off along the lines of what brought these words into my mind in the first place and since been awarded with them for a label.

We as humans really are just vessels for transporting the past into the future to give it a shape. Whether to copy the shape or deviate from it as far as imaginable or to be remembered or forgotten is well past our grasp and ability to comprehend.
And thinking that whatever we feel and think is good for else but staying alive and reproducing effectively would be foolish. But we do, so it's probably important. Since it is such a core persuasion to so many and has been for so long. I suppose that it might have been this one attribute we tend to award so exclusively as one would in it's nature, that has given us the ability of technological evolution ahead of anyone else. The attribute being narcissism.
Understanding things. understanding the universe. That's the only thing that technology gives us. better maths = better technology and vice versa. (what came first, maths or technology?)
One might say that it also makes our lives better, but life is only as good as the worst one to compare with. And that having better life and not knowing about it doesn't mean not having a better life might well be so, but somebody knows. And this somebody decides what's better. This somebody is probably narcissistic.
There we are, learning of the universe, capable of understanding some nano-convoluted proton shit and fling probes into stars. Learning in amounts never seen before and surpassing boundaries of our own imagination. Yet still, the same dumb shits, making decisions upon narcissistic and selfish beliefs of getting ahead of the next one we envy the most, electing the stupidest leaders only to spend days and nights in self pity and hatred. Revering arrogance, as it seems the only thing that doesn't care whether it matters. Which is so fashionable! Even the actually vise poor people say that.
It would almost seam that our ability to understand the universe grows proportionately to how dumb we get as a species.
Or maybe we just proportionately elevate the standards of what's intelligent as a secies should when wielding ever so much more power.
But then again, if the purpose of our growing cognitive abilities as a species is (as I was once again driving at) us being the tool of the universe being curious about it selves, it doesn't really matter how dumb we get as long as we don't destroy our selves. At least before we create our selves a replacement.
As a species and as individuals i suppose too.

Also. I think that that low i wrote of earlier there, is in most part, if not entirely past. I don't feel like i make more sense to others and don't feel any less awkward in most social situation. But my mind is back on my side and where it can't persuade me that i actually rocked the stage it finds me reasons why it was actually good that i didn't or just find out why it didn't matter and actually let's me let go.

I haven't touched a drop either. It was somewhat an effort at points, but nothing terrible. It feels like I haven't really started with it yet. It probably is though because it was about me stopping rather then starting.

this is the traditional new years post.

in 019:
- I'll reach for the sky.
- I shan't touch a drop.

I'll start my PPL course and if all goes well I'll have my wings by the end of the year. There is still a lot of prep and logistics to put together and heaps to learn ahead of actual flying. I'm aiming to be ready to commit to a particular school by the end of April.
I won't drink. I won't have a sip or a taste of alcohol for the whole of the 2019. Weddings and a celebratory drink on account of a flying paper would be only exceptions. But not necessarily.

018 was a bit of fun.
It started with a heartache and some lengthy soul searching throughout the winter months. Spring was sweet and easy and summer was long and intense. Autumn was busy and messy and winter's been a hard work.
April, when I changed job, now seems so long ago. I did a pile of work since then and learned equally. And it seems that a good ratio of work and learning is to be maintained and remuneration is to remain on a good curve as well. (This is foreseeable for the first half of the year. For the later part I dear not to guess as a lot will depend on fickle hearts and politics I'm barely aware of or involved in.) And among only the most important things about it; It feeds me and my dreams which is why one has a job in the first place.
In the summer I went for a holiday with my parents. Devon and Cornwall road-trip. What a ludicrous idea one would think. But I so needed the break and familiar souls near that I just danced in, took and gave what was needed or due and didn't leave any time for the plot to wander off and it was a huge success. Weather helped a good deal as well, they say it seldom is this beautiful down there.
A love affair followed after then. Neither loved the other as much as the others company nor did we have else but loneliness in common and the summers chemistry was sobered out of promptly with the first discourse. It cost me a dear friend and a good deal of sleep and ruined a harmonious household. I'd like to write something nice about it too, but it might take a while to remember.
I'm a story teller and a good listener too, actor however, I'm peculiar; I can be a really great main character, yet I suck terribly in supporting roles. I suck so bad weird shit happens and tragedies of unforeseeable proportions ensue. Main star don't give a cue to and an extra and few will notice. However, giving a wrong line to the main character to climax the story upon or not turning up for the scene altogether is a shooting matter. They'll cut you up in the press to cover the losses too. As they say, the show must go on. And if you don't care to play Brutus after the killing's done, you need to play Mark Antony if not Caesar lest you end up being the Judas a harbinger of all ill.
This applies in all walks of life. And since i can't afford an agent, I should finally bloody learn not to take supporting roles or roles I can't leave for the horizon to swallow in case the script turns.
This should be much easier now that I have a purpose. Smallest decisions to the big ones. I finally have a script ahead of the show and all I got to do is to fill blanks.

I'm not expecting the 019 to be plain of surprises and twists in plots of all sorts. But I would hope 018 thought me not to give a fcuk enough.

This post was supposed to be about 018 but I can't seem to be able not to spill on with every other line. And the record of posts for the year seems humble as well. It might just have been the kind of a year when perhaps much happened but none as significant as what did the year before or is expected to come in the next.
From the 015s waiting for something, through the 016 stepping into the unknown and the 017 taking chances and learning to dream again, the 018 was self reinvention and hard work. Ahead of 019s; stuff's got to happen.

So! to work tomorrow. To quash or hush up fuck-ups to start with, following on with some more hard work onto getting shit done and sorted, being a bolly hero, wandering why did I ever stress so much.
Can't wait. What I can't wait for even more is my first solo flight. If I don't write anything else this year, I'll write about that.