So I'll be 29 now.. for about a year, before I turn into a man that hasn't been a child for over ten years.
Which is still less than half of my life .. so you know.. I'm still not too far from the beginning. Though probably nearing the half of it if I haven't passed it already.

It's been a blast so far. Was massively lucky at everything ... apart from one or two things... that i just haven't been lucky in yet.
I've been quite happy in my own skin for most of the time. And only thing I'd say I regret if pressed really hard, say at gunpoint, is that i wasn't born at an age when believing in god wasn't just for idiots. if there ever was such a time..

I obviously don't mean that last bit too seriously... but what I'd say is the meaning in it, is that I just bitterly lack an idea of what I'm doing and what is it that i really want.
I can tell dozens of things I would want but non that I do want.  I'm living from one day to another and from a month to a month. .. but i'm not working towards anything. I'd love to have a destination, a dream to follow but to have something like that I'd have to believe in something... and that i proudly don't.

When I'm not hungover after a night when I wasted at least hundred quid on booze and drugs and due to that wasted the whole of Saturday zombieing about the house, I'm happy. But since the aforementioned eventuality is not an entirely unique reality of today... I feel like shit.
It will pass.
But before it does (with the next morning) I'll be worrying that I'm slowly sinking into despair and futility, becoming an oddball, a hermit unable of genuine connection with people and destined for solitude as there isn't anyone else like me.
Which is quite funny when i write it down like this and read it back... I mean i'm actually laughing reading it back. I've always laughed to strange stuff but this isn't strange It's just plainly boring and dull af.
Yea... can't wait for the morning to come :D

this czech keyboard is fucking killing me :D that's further to some serious complaints about my life!

I'm sorry if this comes across as sad. But I need this place to be genuine when it comes to what has been the reality of my life as the time went past. And this hasn't been the first day of it's kind i had lately.

to anyone that doesn't know what i know and reads this and may find it alarming: I mostly feel shit only when i have a good reason for it. (and when i don't have a reason I usually at least have an explanation)
I'm doing unusual stuff with my life and going through strange times... it's perfectly natural not to feel fucking ecstatic all the time.
(fruitful thought: Why do I feel there is need for this last paragraph?!...)