This is not the traditional new years prispevek. That'll come later, if it will. (but it should; humongous shit's gonna go down in 019.)
And I'm writing from a computer that doesn't have an english spell-check.

I'd like to put down a note about one heck of a down that I've only finally started coming out of yesterday. It was so dense I completely forgot it was one of those. I've decided not to panic that they are getting ever worse, as one never does at the start of a hign and as with a hindsight I can tell how much had this one been inflated by particular external happenings and my lack of IFR experience. Or training really.. (will explain later or on demand)

I forgot how great I was:
Cause feeling good about my self is selfish especially when others don't feel too good about them selves and more so, about me. That was one premisse preventing my mind to do it's most important job propperly, the job being being my advocate. Another such flawed premise was, that to be able to tell what's true and what isn't, one always has to be ready to suspect one's self of lying as much as they would do others. Which is basically fighting arogance by zealous clensing of ones concience having for a judge anyone willing. Yes: truth prevails. But: - it's no more real than false. - other things are more important - and the most But of all; I's not my job to make it prevail.
Throughout came a notion that I don't really need to eat that much either. Which to be honest I haven't yet abandoned entirely. But given the circumstances of sever depressions, intense stress at work and lack of comfort at home, I should have know better.
I'd date this down a month old.. the sticky thick part of it. I can recall catching its glipses as far as when writing the previoust prispevek, when thinking I should write about the flight whilst in better spirits but that they might not be improving any time soon.
Worst part of this one I think was seeing my confidence (not only in my self but for improvement or a future of my sanity) fading away with every encounter with another person; observing my self utterly failing to appreciate what is the point of it and my inability to participate or to fake it. Helplesly watching my self panicking trying to discuise it, making a double mess out of it.

All this will be around for a bit longer. Receeding gradualy into the past, never to be forgotten as nothing this intense ever would. And to make that would into a should one can only take a lesson out of it.

I concluded some while ago that only meaning to anything is man made.
But I have to wonder now, if there isn't more to life than meaning or a purpose. But what is the purposse of a more in a meaningless universe. Also I probably only used the word more instead of the word something not to sound cliche and didn't use the word less not to sound nonsense. But all it was, was a natural reaction of a man who's logic's been proven flawed grasping for the unknown to blame.

So to conclude: In order not to live a meaning less life as there are loved ones not to fail (and other reasons I suppose ... like for instance vanity). One has to accept a man made meaning. And if life doesn't award one a sensible or a good enough meaning, one has to invent one for them selves. Then to achieve this purpose one has to believe in them selves no matter what. And I don't mean believe in the sense of knowing and hoping, I mean in the sense of faith. The blind and arogant kind. The kind a wishfull thinking folk aquires once they run out of cheeks to turn. I don't mean one should become a monster, you already either are or aren't one anyway. And looking back at my life and upbringing and my experience of the world I believe I'm a good man. It is a part of my faith and it's not to be questioned again. Not by me or anyone else.
Appart for being a good man, I'm also fucking great.
Faith, period