I've been pondering lately, what is it that i actually like doing.
A query i had, led me to ask this my self. I was looking into what should i do with my life next and not only that, but also what to do with my spare time, now that I have somewhat regained stability.
What's been hampering this my effort, among other things, is a realisation that this is something i should have done a very long time ago. This is something that should have been figured out during my early teens.
And they really tried, they showed me and had me try all that was available. From chess, to mountaineering. all sports, old and new, they gave me books and led me to languages. music instruments were made available as fine motor skills had been worked on as well.
Yet there was no one around who'd think like i do. And if they where, we never recognised one another. So I left the security of schools and family home, being good at many things, not so good at a few also but not really excelling in anything. Oblivious to what i might want to do or be.
So i just did what i was thought to do at school that my Mum chose for me and luckily I ended up doing a job that stimulates and on occasions challenges me mentally. Yet, I don't consider my profession an integral part of who i em and I never wear the coat of arms. It feels more like a thing i can do very well for living because it perfectly flatters the way my brain works and with knowledge and experience that since came along, it takes me a lot less effort to do this effectively enough rather than anything else.
This makes me wander whether it wasn't my way of thinking that evolved around my profession rather that the specific demands that my job has on an individual, were somewhat among my abilities already. I suppose it's a bit of both. There was a talent for it and it got developed through the job. And now there's this ability to hold in my mind a large quantity of data at the same time and i can combine it and untie it and put it in contexts of anything that i ever came across and somehow understood and out of this i can create an output that's created so that it shows the grand scheme yet at the same time all the tiny technical details are mentioned and explained and none of the steps i have made are forgotten and all are re-traceable if not retractable. and these schemes i can keep alive inside my mind in large numbers (there never was shortage of space) and keep them fresh almost as when wrapped up for years and years. And i put these into bigger pictures too and nothing i ever came across was too big for me to eventually understand. some things i deciphered faster, some took years and on some i still keep the books open, possibly with all the data needed already in, just not in a good order or maybe there's still the critical shard missing. but that's fine, the books closed on shelves are not sealed and often it'd happen the they still get some work done in too. and there are books i know that will never get finished and I'm in peace with that. I keep those out of respect and that they are necessary particles for greater schemes.
Don't get me started on the fiction section of the library ... I sometimes wonder which is bigger. But, since there's no actual library or imaginary one and a library's been used here as a metaphor, it's not so daunting.

I never shied away from complicated things.
I em a complicated thing.

Maybe this thirst for deciphering whys and whats of the world, of tings and of people, is me still on the quest to explain why i'm the way i em, where's it come from.
Or maybe it's the hobby of mine i was trying-so to identify. To know what is it where i get my kicks from. So i could go forth and spend my time the way i'd believe i want. To be able to identify and to find kindred spirits and not be alone. (i actually em not alone... i have friends and good ones too. What i meant is, that out of all that goes on in my life, about 20-30% is happening in reality. This is not of choice or regret ... that's how it is. and I suppose i'm destined forever to hope for a friend, that could go with me to these places where i live, that are not in the world.)
.. a bit of both i suppose. if the two aforementioned maybes aren't the same maybe just observed from different angles.
Understand something is the easiest thing to do for a person. (or should be) Understanding correctly though is a whole new thing. That, depending on the thing obviously, seriously narrows the amount of possible candidates. And, if we don't count those that may know the right answer but can't really explained how the answer works, a few remain. A hauntingly scarce amount of people do their own thinking theme selves. That's always been like that, but in the olden days, people were stimulated to think at least by the ever present threat of famine and war and loss.. now there's non of that. All that most of the population (western educated population) thinks about now, is how to feel adequate and how to get laid. all else is taken care off ... and even in these two 'challenges', there's popular culture pouring at you from all sides with exact walk-through manuals and it basically takes care of you all the way. Until you try really hard to tear away.

Only way to be sure one understands something correctly is that one can recreate the something.
All other ways of confirming ones understanding always leave a percentage of probability, that the experiment applying a theory was successful, only by a chance. (in short - a doubt :D)
For instance: one can think that they understand a faucet; 'turning this nob here makes the water flow.' Only way to prove thought, that it wasn't a coincidence that it happened like that, is by experimenting again. And only way to be sure that it wasn't a bigger coincidence that it appeared to have worked the same twice, one has to try again, an it goes on and on.
Learning of things this way is risky, since if such an experiment proves ones grasp in 500 instances and only fails once at the 354th instance, there's a boogieman already waiting to be invented as an explanation of all these instances when a superficial mind may feel like that things don't make sense any more.
One can recreate a faucet. Producing of a copy, that's similar enough that it can replace the faucet the nascent plumber prodigy had seen as a first of it's species, can put them at ease that they actually do understand a faucet. To understand a faucet one doesn't necessarily has to produce a new one though. A virtual copy of the system will suffice, whether one creates it with the use of CAD or by drawing on a piece of parer or just having a working model of it in their mind.
One is still perhaps ignorant of the materials used and how the particular ones been invented, chosen and produced and how the current faucet design evolved from the first faucet ever. But one knows enough not to end up sacrificing a goat, every 354th time the faucet worked without an error. And one doesn't have to look into their contract for the property in which their faucet just didn't work, to make sure that it's not something they should be taking personally.
There are more intricate designs out there though ... a steam engine perhaps. everyone understands the concept, very few can actually recreate how it works. they'll say.. the steam expands and will lift heavy stuff to find it's way out. (if they don't say that the steam comes out of the chimney) which doesn't really explain anything. It's them telling you, it's because of the pressure obviously, duh.
I grant you though, steam engine is still quite a simple design to understand. (not simple to discover, not simple to implement effectively). Then there is weather, infrastructures, faith, people, politics, love, ...
I suppose one can do easily, knowing about everything only what most of the people think they know about anything. .. Suppose it might even be better like that. if one's a cow perhaps. Or any sort of farm animal really. (here's an Orwellian pun! that happen unintentionally :D)


And where i was aiming with this, i'm not sure.
I think the point was that it's fine and that i don't need to feel that i'm doing what i wanted to do, because what ever i do, i get my kicks out of it. And knowing this now, i might actually start doing that anything that i haven't been doing much of late.
And when it comes to kindred spirits ... for whatever i chose to go for, they'll be there. But if my hobby is my worlds, it's not gonna be easy. Either i make my worlds somehow accessible or move my life more into reality. ..

I'm knackered now and some of those sentences above are just a bit too much now to double check whether they make sense at all .. so .. i leave you to them, hoping for the best :D night night