it's been a not so dry Jan this one.

not with booze not with tears. 

yet i could have done with a bit more tears.

perhaps those are still to come.

or i've grown somewhat, beyond my understanding.

maybe understanding's the childish bit i so cling too.

maybe a faith to the self one carries within is the god i've always been looking for. never finding it, just getting glimpses as i was passing, struggling through this life, always putting love in the first place. It's possible, it would seem now, that i have an idea of what's to become of me. or at least what's not too.

'the rock will hold you' and 'do the lifting by your legs if you can'. those are the two bits of advice i'd hear so often, when being thought rock climbing. 

I wish i could never let anyone go. I wish i could be there when ever a need for my strength arises for those i love. 

I wrote here, years ago, that with strength comes responsibility. and i've been trying to carry all the weight of the world, to spread the good i know for fact there is in men, yet i failed and failed again, so often just by going too far. (i secretly hope though that i haven't really failed)

I've been but compensating, by trying to help and to support others, my inability to connect by any other means to them, to be included to humanity. I indeed feel i stand apart. and it's all been caused by my reluctance to participate in any behavioural patterns i didn't manage to find enough sense in. 

I had all the faith in good becoming evil with kindness and blind perseverance. I had faith in my logic making sense of my actions to be and past. 

But only shape good ever had to me was progress. there always seems to me be room for improvement. 

I live to live perhaps, or whatever other cause there might be for life. But all my other energy goes into figuring things out and making whatever i can better, more efficient, more right (by some standards i acquired before i learned of critical thinking) 

'I live by example' is always the last resort of mine, when confronted with the utter inadequacy of my self to what i become for others, especially when i fail them, when i abandon them. and i usually can't help it but shed a bit of my soul as a respect. as a token of gratitude to the invisible narrator, who for one reason or another, would decide not to call me a villain but a good guy just trying hard.

Please don't see this as self pity. I don't yet venture that way. and i would like to believe that i'll never have to. but believing is something i feel i'll have to learn all anew since i've been doing it all wrong. being too cautious of my steps, seeing my self as the first and the last resort. and that learning i'll have to start by losing. and that's something i started this year with. 

I gave up something i was hoping for so very much for something else that haven't even taken a form yet.

it was a choice of faith, and there's no logical justification for it. 

it might not sound all too new. possibly because it isn't.

what's new though is, that it feels right. (or else i can't explain the numbness that became the part of my heart i tore it from) and it feels that this particular kind of blind choices are to become a new trend in my life. A way of being that'd protect me from always giving up whoever i em to whatever my heart catches a like of... love of. 

I used to think i hate everyone. since i feared everyone... that was a Long time ago. Since the day i was tried as a witch and sentenced by my close friends. 

this, call it 'hate', was coming from my inability to understand and thus forgive. 

a little less long time ago i understood and forgave and the fear had gone.

I stopped thinking of others and gone back to observing the world of wonders in which things grew and flown and floated and fell and actions caused actions and colours would take other colours just to tell stories of their environment in time and space and transmissions and traffic was all that i'd think of, until my early teens, when humans again emerged as a point of interest. 

I was dumbfounded for a long time, baffled at the intricate world i entered. i did struggle for a while too but eventually emerged again at peace, only to realise i love everyone.

and i kind of think i still do. if it's not some form of narcissism coming from my yet again obtained firm grasp of what's up. 

and loving everyone is definitely commendable and all. but daft i think. 

one should learn from nature, since it has answers to all questions of life and a long ago it deciphered how to be to be. and it doesn't love or hate all. it has it's soft spots and there are places that are the image of hell... but all and all, it's indifferent. 

the universe is indifferent. and that's how i think i'd like to be. 

i'm a living human being and i love and hope obviously and i don't mean to stop doing that. only just perhaps limit my scope of caring to a reasonable amount.

i don't know if this is right. but it feels right, right now.

I am a person. I have a past. A good one. An interesting one. I lived well and have done many things. And whatever my future is to be, it has to make sense within who i already em. and the I is not indefinite and undefinable. I'm mortal and weak as is my physical form. I live by a chance and will pass by it. I have needs and desires and by satisfying those well I draw happiness which makes sense of me having a self.
A desire yet to fulfil might be passing my knowledge down to others to allow them to live good. to afford them to be happy and well.

This talk might be cause by me having spent the weekend with my best friend and his young family, having lost my self on multiple occasions in play with his one year old daughter. everything mattered there and all is to a good start. I got to observe her little beautiful world and it filled me with much hope and peace.