I was complaining yesterday that i only get about 5 hours asleep a night, definitely no more, mostly less. After yesterdays further mind bending discoveries, for today i did maybe two hours, at the best since i was really tired. I'm afraid it's not gonna get better any time soon.
I think in some sense of the word, I'm still coping..

'only thing that limits you is your self ...'

and I've been shedding that. Pealing it off really. My mind's been the tool of it, the wielder of the tool and the slaughter house too.
It warned me. it shouted at me at the top of it's voice, not to go any further, to leave the path i was on. Yet the gut said carry on. (My gut must hate me :D)
And now that i've gotten this far, the self i walked in in, can't bear what it found. There's no way back too and what remains to do, so i can function, so i can breathe and carry ever on, is a self makeover. a properly brutal one. I don't think it ever was this heavy, and as i grow older it doesn't get any easier. my mind rushes ever faster through the most painful images it can come up with, dragging an eight foot tall plow through the graveyard where my long forgotten fears and frustrations lay.

it'll be a next year tomorrow.
I can't bloody wait.
The expectations are high. the possibilities are numerous and they run both ways from the point zero on the scale between the world of shit and the happy camper.
I probably won't enter the 2018 with a clear and healthy mind. and the early part of it is not going to be a walk in the park. and for that I made a safety vow that if by my 30th birthday i'm still in these shits, if i'm fallen in any way, i bail out.

I don't think i'm doing these things to my self. I just let them happen to me. Maybe I'm curious from how deep of a shit i'm able to drag my self out off. maybe i feel i don't deserve a quarter since i always had it far too easy.
I sort of wish i'd break already. It can't really be that bad over there. But if I'm to break I'll have to do it my self. So is that what i've been up to? I'm still too proud to break. What'd be the most degrading thing one could do to them selves? .... I don't know and this line of thought is not good :D :D :D .. or maybe it is! oh bloody hell, it actually was! :D I have this tendency of taking stuff too personally.

wow, a good příspěvek .. i feel a lot better now.
it's not nice or easy but it feels now that i can actually leave some bit of who i was on.
I'm not gonna put down what stroke me when writing that last paragraph there... since i won't forget. and well, if i would, bloody fucking good!!

Let's walk in to the next one with head held high. battered and bleeding from places i never thought one could bleed from, but there still is a poise in there, i can hear it now. It sounds like a not observed waking up hornets nest someplace near, probably disguised by the glare of one extraordinarily  overwhelming sunset.

so, Tally-ho merrily in to the 2018 baster!