i can't remember the last time i had an actual wholesome bit of peace.
I was near to it on my recent holiday in Spain.
went to Monserrat, stayed in a hotel next to the monastery up on the mountain face, attended the evening prayers or services or what you call it.
Did some hiking around the near peaks, got lost off trail, had a stand of with a goat, stayed up a rock for the sunset and never felt hungry or thirsty the whole time.
I went there alone. Initially i was a bit afraid that it might get a bit lonely and depressive but it didn't. It was fucking marvellous. I felt right, it felt like i belong on the trail. As in the olden days when i'd hike in alps with my dad and my brother. they'd always slow me down anyway :D...
Did it all in barefoot shoes with a super worn sole, most of the time running and frolicking and spent the whole day on my feet. Legs weren't even tired the next day... but the intention now is not to write an advert for barefoot shoewear.
Not really reaching the desired bit of peace since i didn't stay there long enough and since some of my stresses followed me there and some was too deep in subconsciousness, I still managed to get an actual high out of it. one particularly strong one when i was passing a hermitage in a steep mountain face.
I need to do this more. I thought that such a holiday should be done with someone and never thought of planing one actually on my own... but i think that next year summer or autumn I'm going somewhere warm for at least a week of seclusion in mountains. Just me and the trail. no phone, no food, no people and no memories.
Oh how lovely that would be.
I was out of my depth.. on a couple of occasions these past couple of months. it's what i wanted. that's why i'm here i suppose ... but it's getting really heavy. stuff i never wanted to be near to and if near then at least not this personally. Things i can't talk about with anyone, because nobody really needs to know. it wouldn't be fair of me to share this and I'm so very overwhelmed on all fronts right now.

I felt all sorts of bad before. but never before i felt inadequate. not like this.

I need to go back. back to who i was and look for peace there. last resort.

I love my job too. the harder it gets the better. it takes my mind away.

the winter and christmas coming is not helping it either.

I'm sorry for another down on spirits příspěvek. Again... there's no actual harm or danger happening to me. it's all in my head.
will have to stop writing about my self. only times i get to write here is when i'm depressed anyway. and that's not good. it paints a bad picture.
in fact i'm doing rather great.

Next year it has to pick up (like that there aren't even these occasional freak depressions) I even have a plan how to make it happen. slowly slowly catchy monkey... 

watch me how i fly (i don't know what's that but let's leave it here anyway)