oh humanity.

Just been on my regular wander through the pixels of google earth and in Paris, France, it struck me; oh humanity. A feeling of aw mixed with the terror of personal limitations and borderlessness at the same time. The awful and wonderful complexity of our species and society, the weight of knowledge and power of ignorance. All those things ever so familiar and, perhaps, somewhat forgotten.

They have a river in Paris, much like in Prague or London. More like the one in Prague, the river in Paris flows south to north. There's a place along it called Colombes. It struck me; I could have been from there and not know it. It felt terrible at first as if torn away from something familiar, mushed into something familiar-ish. Then I felt big, all capable of this outside view at us, you, me. And eventually just lonely. Reminded me of this place and that I've not written in a while.

I've been quite adult and human recently. 

It comes with a deep sense of loss. 

I'm not immortal anymore. I'm not inexplicable.

Only this place still feels like that I can ..

Pretend that I'm an angel and not a man

I used to spend long hours, trying to describe my feelings here, as accurately as language allows. I thought then that it was important to put it down. And it was, so very important. Since then, however, my feeling ceased to matter. They are made of nostalgia and honey and stick to the sides of vessels like salts in the wind. Nothing too practical to have on one's hands all the time. And it feels ever so pointless to live them, to record them, to do them. If I could only stop, maybe I'd learn that I could miss them.

Now I can't make myself even imagine I'd spend all the time it'd require to put down what goes on inside me. It's not bigger than ever before, or maybe it is? I don't know. I know though that it's in the way. But for sake of this evening. Let's just drop some hints if I ever felt like going back. For the feeling of this era of my life, not the bits I deemed important.

(hints above)

It is a strange era where I'm living now. we have this virus that somehow makes everything worst and poorer and less colorful and more tedious and less reliable and basically, all those remaining barriers between living a human life and living in a perpetual state of anxiety are being steadily but surely removed, with every new 'development' making things shitter. Bit by bit, month by month and I'm hoping that we are at least in the half of it. Fear we are not. Maybe hoping that if it stays like this for long enoug I could give up all my aspirations and retreat to the forests ahead of time.

Important thing happened! I went to fly. For the first time excercising the priviledges of my new licence and taking a plane for a spin on my own. I was one of the best flights, nay the best fligh, of my flying career so far. It felt right. It felt absolutelly wonderful. Overwhelmingly wonderful. I'd cry if I thought of it much longer, so I won't write more. It is not something I could ever forget.

The sky is shut agian. And I don't know when I'll be able to go back. Nothing else can make this better. I'll only be better once back in my sky. Here by I declare this. Didn't mean to say. But since this seems unending... let'd put it on record. I deeply long for the sky..