it's been a year today.
It's been a year since i came to London.

I don't have to go supposing i've changed, its blatantly obvious.

I'm not better. I'm worse ...
I'm not stronger. I'm weaker ...
I'm not wiser. I'm baffled ...
I'm not happier. But that's about to change ...

I went in head on and got slapped silly like the kid i was. so confident, so sharp, invincible i felt.
A proud predator, a beast of muscle and fire. walking proudly among the mortals, ruthlessly gazing into their souls without asking.
The pride of mine. The ego.
From a lion it went down to a stray dog within the first half a year and then it eventually gave in with its knuckle bones bare and paws mangled with glass shards and earth burning under them with no port to call to rest.
A husk of my former pride remained and was my only faithful company for some of the longest weeks i've ever seen.
It was proven then, that I can go on quite effectively and that I'am resourceful and capable even without the comfort of pride.
Without the certainty and closure it used to provide me with, it took me a while to see that, to believe that things are good and that I can relax at least occasionally.
Now the husk is gone and i can sense a new presence in its place. It has a form, yet it's been obscured to me so far. what i know of it though, is that i listens and obeys. that's new. that's good.

It was a step into unknown. as i've later discovered.
it's england, they speak english, they're western I thought. And I was right in all the points, yet there are so many more points to what makes a society and what it's like to be a part of it.
and in that sense i've gained knowledge and the incite that is not to be acquired any other way but by living away from home. by making home in another country.

i would like to tell of things that are happening in my life. there are some nascent stories that i believe that can and will prove quite amazing... but let's talk of those later, when they are not so fragile and sacred to my heart.

to conclude though:
it's been rough as fuck and there is still a long way to go before i'll be able to properly relax and let go of all the precautions and defences. But i think i can see the other end now. I caught a glimpse of it.
It wouldn't be as it was. It'll be a novelty alright ... there is no way back to the man i used to be and a long way ahead to the man i'm bound to become.

it's all good though. sense of touch is coming back into my heart and occasionally i'm having some wholesome feelings. so pristine that i can be sure i'm not pretending them only to feel normal.

I'm not more. I'm not less either ...
I'm not close. But I've never been so near ...

I try hard to refrain from pity but i love so true i can not hate.
There are some awful things in this world and I'm glad to have witnessed them. It stimulates man to humility.
And humility is good. It's kind of a mental sofa.