It's been some 438 years since a guy thought to assume that some 1582 years before then, a guy who'd eventually go up a cross must have already been about, at least to an extent.
But today, we are not going to talk about this year, or 1582, or Christ.
I'd like to make that promised report on 2019. It doesn't feel too much like something I'd like to write about today, but today it also feels the least like that I don't really want to. So let's see what happens;
In the year 2019:
I learned to fly airplanes. A great deal of the nice weathered weekends I'd go to the airport and practice flying. I spent two weeks in the summer taking holiday at home, studying, as I did most of the weekends and afternoons of the winter months.
In May I moved to Chiswick with my mates, and in June I bought a car. (which on it's own was an adventure with many of funny bits and some victories and some defeats)
And in July I started flying. It was the best thing in the world. At points I felt happy and content like I haven't in a long time.
I spent some 45 hours of the year airborne. That's counting only the times I was the pilot flying.
It was thrilling. It was hard. It was expensive. It's the best and the biggest thing that I've ever done for my self.
And I need to carry on in it. To carry on with my life.
Yesterday I aced my Final Skills Test. Some paperwork done, I'll be officially a pilot.
I'm good at it. I'm happy at it. And It feels like the thing I've been specifically wired for.
In the year 2019:
I didn't drink. Not a sip. Until the last bit. I couldn't imagine surviving, nay enjoying Christmas and with it connected visit to the old place, without a beer or a couple. And so I drank. I think it was the 1st November that I had concluded that there's no more a need for an absolute restriction. I had a glass of wine at dinner. I'd have a sip of something after then, here and there but I'd never really drink. (until the very last bit)
There was a point in time when I believed I realised that I'm dealing with everything in my life that's not going the way I like by imposing restrictions and sanctions on my self.
I'd forbid my self this and that in futile attempts to restore the rain of my will.
Or to regain sense of dignity after painful soul searches would lead me to the conclusion that I was simply unable to make my mind on items that I'd never struggle for clarity at in the past.
I concluded that I was wasting the precious resource of time. And I believed that by making an item illegal I'd reclaim the heaps of time otherwise wasted by further pondering.
And I did. At a cost I think. Not holding off till I have clarity as I thought but building a moat between my self and others.
I feel ever more alone. Yet, somehow, I yearn to be even more alone. Free of the distraction that sharing time with others imposes, the detours from purpose, the concessions at my interests and communications I have to be constantly making just to fit in. And the never ceasing emotional and bodily demands people so readily impose at each other.
So to wrap up this inconsistent drivel; It was hard not to drink, then it was easy not to drink, and then it was pointless not to drink. And overall it was a very healthy way of stirring up the old self. It gave me some deep insights and gave me a pile of material that I'll be rummaging through and learning from in years to come.
I also drink a lot less. Nearly not at all, compared with how I drank before. It's not desirable any more. Some might say that it is just because I'm not in my twenties any more. I say, maybe.
In the year 2019:
I didn't love much. Nearly at all. And at some points it felt like I was actually trying to keep it like that. Even thought I struggled with some of it's implications.
I'd start dealing with it by denial and carried on through desperation to attempts at acceptance with the help of reasoning.
Which is where I find my self still, less desperate and panicking. Reasoning back through what's been and gone:
I am not. Is the latest, and has been for a while.
I'm in the middle of something, I'm not open to the wider world. I was open to it a lot in the past. It was awesome and it was awful. It wasn't productive. At points it was dead on detrimental. I'm not who I was and I'm not yet anyone else either.
I'd think for a bit too that I was broken. And I retained the thought for a bit too, because it was so comforting, as it meant it was not my fault.
This is something that happened at the start of the year and was a result of happenings of the previous years, up to some ten of them I'd say.
I think it was me making a decision without speaking it out clearly enough for all of my self to get on board in time.
I need to do things differently. I have to do them my way and I have to figure out which way that is. Humans are inherently terribly selfish and not to be relied upon until one's able to totally abandon their senses and just see whatever they are sold. And I'm not ready for that, it's not something achievable for me even if i tried. (Why would anyone not want to believe in god or love?)
I have no doubt that I do come across as selfish as anyone else does. But I have no way of being so, I have no self that I'd put first.
I have self that I'm aware of and maintain it for logistical purposes, I have a self that I know of from observations, they are a recluse creature that keeps to them selves and I have a self that I struggle to always appreciate as someone I'd like to be seen as, but if shit needs get done, they are the best. Anyone that is genuine enough and not too simple and at the same time willing to open up to me is so much more interesting and worthwhile to me than I. They always were, their souls and minds so much more interesting than the old ones of mine.
Indifference I put in place of compassion. It's so much less selfish and distracting that it almost feels like the wrong way, but it only does so when I'm failing to embrace it.
In the year 2019:
Nothing happened, but many things began.
The year 2020:
Will be a year that what began in 2019 carried on happening, some ripening before winter come, none concluding any time soon. I have finished my PPL, but that really is just a beginning.
As a result of 2019 happenings I quit my job to emancipate my self some more. It's not this years decision, it's last years result. It took some and it awarded some back.
2019 had all the marks of a breaking point. It was long and stressful. It was full of happy days and fantastic experiences.
I was really anxious for something good to happen this year as well, after all it's mid March and the year's been nothing but utterly shit. But yesterday I finished my PPL and that's a Good thing. I'm sure all the other stuff Including this Corona thing will eventually bear good in it. But so far so shit.
Next on today is to consider and plan my first licensed solo flight.
I'd like to fly high. Higher than I've ever flown under my own steam. At least 8000ft! I think I'm goig to look into that. (One doesn't get too high training in England, from an airport within Heathrow CTR, It's a mine field of controlled airspace to all directions and especially up. I can only fly to less complicated skies than the one I learned in as there is none that is more.)
You see? I've already abandoned writing about the last year and writing about things ahead!
I am indeed very excited for those. And I'll tell. Only just not yet.
I'd forbid my self this and that in futile attempts to restore the rain of my will.
Or to regain sense of dignity after painful soul searches would lead me to the conclusion that I was simply unable to make my mind on items that I'd never struggle for clarity at in the past.
I concluded that I was wasting the precious resource of time. And I believed that by making an item illegal I'd reclaim the heaps of time otherwise wasted by further pondering.
And I did. At a cost I think. Not holding off till I have clarity as I thought but building a moat between my self and others.
I feel ever more alone. Yet, somehow, I yearn to be even more alone. Free of the distraction that sharing time with others imposes, the detours from purpose, the concessions at my interests and communications I have to be constantly making just to fit in. And the never ceasing emotional and bodily demands people so readily impose at each other.
So to wrap up this inconsistent drivel; It was hard not to drink, then it was easy not to drink, and then it was pointless not to drink. And overall it was a very healthy way of stirring up the old self. It gave me some deep insights and gave me a pile of material that I'll be rummaging through and learning from in years to come.
I also drink a lot less. Nearly not at all, compared with how I drank before. It's not desirable any more. Some might say that it is just because I'm not in my twenties any more. I say, maybe.
In the year 2019:
I didn't love much. Nearly at all. And at some points it felt like I was actually trying to keep it like that. Even thought I struggled with some of it's implications.
I'd start dealing with it by denial and carried on through desperation to attempts at acceptance with the help of reasoning.
Which is where I find my self still, less desperate and panicking. Reasoning back through what's been and gone:
I am not. Is the latest, and has been for a while.
I'm in the middle of something, I'm not open to the wider world. I was open to it a lot in the past. It was awesome and it was awful. It wasn't productive. At points it was dead on detrimental. I'm not who I was and I'm not yet anyone else either.
I'd think for a bit too that I was broken. And I retained the thought for a bit too, because it was so comforting, as it meant it was not my fault.
This is something that happened at the start of the year and was a result of happenings of the previous years, up to some ten of them I'd say.
I think it was me making a decision without speaking it out clearly enough for all of my self to get on board in time.
I need to do things differently. I have to do them my way and I have to figure out which way that is. Humans are inherently terribly selfish and not to be relied upon until one's able to totally abandon their senses and just see whatever they are sold. And I'm not ready for that, it's not something achievable for me even if i tried. (Why would anyone not want to believe in god or love?)
I have no doubt that I do come across as selfish as anyone else does. But I have no way of being so, I have no self that I'd put first.
I have self that I'm aware of and maintain it for logistical purposes, I have a self that I know of from observations, they are a recluse creature that keeps to them selves and I have a self that I struggle to always appreciate as someone I'd like to be seen as, but if shit needs get done, they are the best. Anyone that is genuine enough and not too simple and at the same time willing to open up to me is so much more interesting and worthwhile to me than I. They always were, their souls and minds so much more interesting than the old ones of mine.
Indifference I put in place of compassion. It's so much less selfish and distracting that it almost feels like the wrong way, but it only does so when I'm failing to embrace it.
In the year 2019:
Nothing happened, but many things began.
The year 2020:
Will be a year that what began in 2019 carried on happening, some ripening before winter come, none concluding any time soon. I have finished my PPL, but that really is just a beginning.
As a result of 2019 happenings I quit my job to emancipate my self some more. It's not this years decision, it's last years result. It took some and it awarded some back.
2019 had all the marks of a breaking point. It was long and stressful. It was full of happy days and fantastic experiences.
I was really anxious for something good to happen this year as well, after all it's mid March and the year's been nothing but utterly shit. But yesterday I finished my PPL and that's a Good thing. I'm sure all the other stuff Including this Corona thing will eventually bear good in it. But so far so shit.
Next on today is to consider and plan my first licensed solo flight.
I'd like to fly high. Higher than I've ever flown under my own steam. At least 8000ft! I think I'm goig to look into that. (One doesn't get too high training in England, from an airport within Heathrow CTR, It's a mine field of controlled airspace to all directions and especially up. I can only fly to less complicated skies than the one I learned in as there is none that is more.)
You see? I've already abandoned writing about the last year and writing about things ahead!
I am indeed very excited for those. And I'll tell. Only just not yet.
Žádné komentáře:
Okomentovat